In my first post of this series, How to Be an Ally: Learning the Difference Between Gender Identity and Sexual Orientation, I wrote about the differences between gender identity and gender expression. For this next installment, I want to go over the gender identity of non-binary. I'll also explain why, for the first time in my life, I'm excited for my upcoming appointment at the DMV. the basicsNon-binary means "someone who does not identify as a man or a woman, or solely as one of those two genders." A non-binary person may identify as having two gender identities. For example, someone could identify "as non-binary and as a woman". That would make them bigender (having two genders). A non-binary person might identify as agender or genderfree (having no gender); being genderfluid (moving between genders); or as third gender. A non-binary identity does not mean the person is intersex (but intersex people can identify as non-binary). Non-binary people may define themselves as transgender or they may not. This tends to vary based on the definition of transgender being used as well as their personal definition of non-binary. myths about being non-binaryLet's dispel a few of the most common myths about non-binary people. Myth #1: All non-binary people will use they/them pronouns. This is not true, as many non-binary people will use she/her, he/him, they/them, or a combination. There's no standardized reason why someone might prefer "they/them and he/him" to "they/them" or "he/him" alone. As is always the case with pronouns, the best way to find out what pronouns someone prefers is to ask them directly. One easy way is to introduce your own, "By the way, I use he/him pronouns and just realized I haven't asked you what your pronouns are yet - which do you prefer?" People generally appreciate being asked their pronouns and would rather be asked than misgendered. Myth #2: Non-binary people look and dress androgynously. This could be true, or it could not be. There's no set way non-binary people dress. Non-binary people can and do dress in traditionally masculine or feminine ways, a combination, neither really, or alternate among several different styles. There's no one particular way to dress like a non-binary person. If you're non-binary and wearing clothes, that's how a non-binary person dresses. To restate one of the major points of Part I of this series, gender expression (how you dress, shave or don't shave, etc - the outside things other people observe) and gender identity (how you feel about yourself on the inside) do not have to match. Until gender expression is not socially penalized and discriminated against, there are many reasons why someone might not be able to express themselves publicly to match the way they feel inside. Alternately, someone who is genderfluid might dress traditionally masculine one day, traditionally feminine the next. This expression perfectly matches their gender identity as a non-binary, genderfluid person. Myth #3: Non-binary is a label that is trendy right now but will soon pass and be replaced with the next fad. This is an exceptionally hurtful myth about non-binary people. It echoes previous myths about other groups, like the offensive myths that all bisexual people are sexually promiscuous or that lesbians only prefer women because they were traumatized by men. It's a common way queer people have been discriminated against: people say we are confused, broken or temporary. The truth is that non-binary people have existed for as long as people and gender have existed. Non-binary gender identities were present within many different cultures throughout history. Labels may change from place to place and from time to time, but there have always been people with non-binary gender identities. what non-binary means to mePersonally I identify as non-binary and use the pronouns they/them. I'm biologically female but have never identified with my biology. When my peers in early elementary school started really differentiating between "girls" and "boys", I felt frustrated and left out. I hated being called a "tomboy" by well-meaning adults. A tomboy meant "a girl who likes boy things". I had two problems with that: 1) girls can like anything because there are no "boy things" and 2) I wasn't a girl who liked boy things, because I wasn't a girl at all. I had zero examples of gender-nonconforming people in my life and no role models to help me better articulate what I thought my role was on the gender spectrum. Regardless, from a fairly young age I was adamant that it was a kind of spectrum. I knew I believed this because I felt like everyone was always reading me on the wrong place on it. Today, I feel comfortable using a non-binary label. I tend to use it interchangeably with the term "genderqueer" when describing myself. Not all non-binary people do. (Here's a deeper history of the term "genderqueer"; language is fascinating.) As of 2019, California has started allowing non-binary people to select a third gender option for their driver's license. So in July when I go in to renew my license, I'll be able to select not "M" or "F", but "X". I'm not looking forward to the DMV queue, but I am very excited for the opportunity to identify myself legally as who I've always been all along. How to learn more: talk to us!I know that personally I appreciate being asked to share my perspective by my cisgender friends. Especially when it doesn't feel like a challenge or a judgment, I am happy to talk about my gender identity and what it means to me. If you have a question for someone they'd probably appreciate you asking, instead of making an assumption. It's generally better say something like, "I'd like to hear more about how you identify gender-wise if you want to tell me about it". That gives the person an open-ended way to volunteer as little or as much information as they want. And of course, thanks to the internet, you can learn a lot about non-binary people just by reading first-person accounts in articles and blogs. Here's a few resources to get you started: My Genderation (video): This Is What Non-binary Looks Like Curve: 10 Things You Should Never Say to Someone Non-Binary Teen Vogue: 9 Things People Get Wrong About Being Non-Binary National Center for Transgender Equality: Understanding Non-Binary People: How to Be Respectful and Supportive
6 Comments
mary leonardi
3/31/2021 07:45:41 am
I would like to thank you for writing this blog. I have 2 children a seventeen yr old son and a twenty four year old daughter. Both have tried to educate me on this and other sexual and non sexual identities. I was completely unaware of these other than gay/straight or bi. I always want to be supportive to my fellow humans and their understanding of who they are. By not educating myself on these understandings I do a dis-service to them and myself. I just want to share my love and support to any and all who struggle to feel validated and important and loved . If no one told you today I love you, I accept you.
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NB reader
4/5/2021 11:59:35 am
Thank you for breaking down these myths. I have come to realize that I am on the non binary spectrum but in a way that through fluidity causes a constant sense of male gender to sometimes mix with female into the realm of androgyne. Since my male gender is constant and fluidity occurs over it, I use he/him pronouns (though I also identify with they/them pronouns) and generally present mainly masculine. Reading your comments have helped me remind myself that that is perfectly valid. Thank you!
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Lara
4/10/2021 12:26:28 am
I know I'm a girl and I'm ok with that but it just doesn't feel right to label myself that so I thought I might be demigirl but it didn't go very well I don't really care wich pronouns people use to talk to me it doesn't bother me though I dont know how to label myself can anyone help?
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Negin
4/28/2021 01:47:00 am
wow, thank you very much, you helped me to find real ME and be sure about my feelings after 28 years. When I was a child I was sure I am not a girl, but I was sure that I am not a boy too. I never talked about with others because always when I start to say that, everyone getting confused or saying to me: ahh, so maybe you are bisexual and connecting that to my sexual orientation.
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Addy
5/31/2021 08:21:23 pm
i go by she/they and i’ve been thinking about wanting people to refer to me as they/them more often. i’m not sure though and i want a label because it makes me more comfortable with myself to have a label so i’m just not sure where i’m at on the gender spectrum so if anybody has my tips or something, PLEASE reply :)
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Manuel Franco
6/18/2023 01:54:29 am
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